Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"Why are you Here?"

It's only natural for people to ask me the question "why are you here?" when i first meet them. For awhile I gave the standard answer "to learn spanish." But now I know the reason goes far beyond and deeper than that and I am only beginning to understand a piece of it. Let me explain.

Since arriving in Spain 2 months ago I have had more quiet time than I have had in my entire life. When I close both layers of outside doors and the door to my room in my house here the stillness can be defining. And at first it scared me very much. But after awhile I learned to become friends with the silence and am starting to master the art of being still. well, sort of. Little by little.

And what have learned so far is slightly ironic in my opinion. It is starting to appear to me that instead of getting to run away from my problems I was actually 'brought' here in order to grow and to heal. and apparently to do that, I needed to leave the country. To finally unpack all of those bags that have been weighing me down for a while. The first time I realized this I may or may not have looked up and said "Are you kidding me?" but then I laughed and shook my head because ultimately I have come to discover it is, in fact, the best way. I know that might not be the only reason I am here but so far I have a pretty strong case for it. and I am slowly learning to cherish every moment I have here.

Here in Spain nothing is truly very comfortable. From the food to the language all is different. I have had no other option but to spend time with Jesus. And i LOVE that. At first it was scary and hard to do it. But now I find myself sitting in my room just laying in the silence.

I have also found community where I least expected it and am hopeful for more. Even today, I was super sick in the morning but by the afternoon I felt good enough to venture out and meet up with two of my friends from Minnesota studying spanish here in Granada. We ended up talking for 4 hours in a cafe about life, Jesus and how he is at work in our lives. My heart felt alive again, like I was waking up from a deep slumber that I have been in for a while. I am almost in tears (of joy) at how well I am and have been cared for in my life. I never could have thought it would have taken leaving everything I have ever known behind to come face to face with myself in order to grow.  My time here has been so sweet. While there have been many days that have been a struggle, even within those I am learning to find the sweetness. I am being given so many opportunities to be still and to listen, to cry, to grow, to heal, to be honest, to learn, and open my heart once again. It is not an easy thing, but it is good. The God I serve is a merciful God and thankfully, he is not finished with me yet and never will be.

I can't help comparing him to all of the artists of the sculptures I saw in Italy. The Lord is a master sculpture patiently chipping away at me. It is often times a painful process and a lot of times I tend to fight back because it is hard to understand. And that is when I have to learn to stop fighting so much and trying to understand and just trust. and so trust I will...

But I trust in your unfailing love, 
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
-Psalm 13:5-6

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