"Why are you Here?"

It's only natural for people to ask me the question "why are you here?" when i first meet them. For awhile I gave the standard answer "to learn spanish." But now I know the reason goes far beyond and deeper than that and I am only beginning to understand a piece of it. Let me explain.

Since arriving in Spain 2 months ago I have had more quiet time than I have had in my entire life. When I close both layers of outside doors and the door to my room in my house here the stillness can be defining. And at first it scared me very much. But after awhile I learned to become friends with the silence and am starting to master the art of being still. well, sort of. Little by little.

And what have learned so far is slightly ironic in my opinion. It is starting to appear to me that instead of getting to run away from my problems I was actually 'brought' here in order to grow and to heal. and apparently to do that, I needed to leave the country. To finally unpack all of those bags that have been weighing me down for a while. The first time I realized this I may or may not have looked up and said "Are you kidding me?" but then I laughed and shook my head because ultimately I have come to discover it is, in fact, the best way. I know that might not be the only reason I am here but so far I have a pretty strong case for it. and I am slowly learning to cherish every moment I have here.

Here in Spain nothing is truly very comfortable. From the food to the language all is different. I have had no other option but to spend time with Jesus. And i LOVE that. At first it was scary and hard to do it. But now I find myself sitting in my room just laying in the silence.

I have also found community where I least expected it and am hopeful for more. Even today, I was super sick in the morning but by the afternoon I felt good enough to venture out and meet up with two of my friends from Minnesota studying spanish here in Granada. We ended up talking for 4 hours in a cafe about life, Jesus and how he is at work in our lives. My heart felt alive again, like I was waking up from a deep slumber that I have been in for a while. I am almost in tears (of joy) at how well I am and have been cared for in my life. I never could have thought it would have taken leaving everything I have ever known behind to come face to face with myself in order to grow.  My time here has been so sweet. While there have been many days that have been a struggle, even within those I am learning to find the sweetness. I am being given so many opportunities to be still and to listen, to cry, to grow, to heal, to be honest, to learn, and open my heart once again. It is not an easy thing, but it is good. The God I serve is a merciful God and thankfully, he is not finished with me yet and never will be.

I can't help comparing him to all of the artists of the sculptures I saw in Italy. The Lord is a master sculpture patiently chipping away at me. It is often times a painful process and a lot of times I tend to fight back because it is hard to understand. And that is when I have to learn to stop fighting so much and trying to understand and just trust. and so trust I will...

But I trust in your unfailing love, 

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me.

-Psalm 13:5-6

Come To Me..

So in an effort to save space coming over here I did not bring many books with me. And what books I did bring were mostly devotional books and the smallest ones I could find. This included Sarah Young's Jesus Calling a book of 365 short letters written from Jesus to you with references to the verses she used. It has been perfect for me to read the short letter and then dive into the scripture that follows. Sunday was a particularly hard day for me here and so I went to the park by my house and literally spent hours sitting, thinking, praying and praying some more. And that is when I read this:

"Come to Me, and rest in My loving Presence. You know that this day will bring difficulties, and you are trying to think your way through those trials. As you anticipate what is ahead of you, you forget that I am with you-now and always. Rehearsing your troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them only when they actually occur. Do not multiply your suffering in this way! Instead, come to Me, and relax in My Peace. I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, transforming your fear into confident trust."  -Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

The verses referenced for this passage are:
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -Matthew 11:28-30

AND

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you....Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. -Joshua 1:5,9

I almost laughed outloud when I was done reading all of this. A laughter full of understanding. And also because The Joshua verses are what I ready for like a week straight before I boarded the plane for Spain. Trying to convince myself to be strong and courageous over and over again. Well, you can ask many people (Leslie Sloan) how much I failed at that upon leaving.

And for a few days I kept getting mad at myself for not being strong and courageous but then I realized I was doing it for all of the wrong reasons. I had it in my head that it was what I was supposed to do and instead, it should be the fruit of being with Jesus. I should be strong and courageous because He is with me. Not because I am strong by any means, because I am not. And that I can only become this way by spending more time with Him and truly letting him have control of my life. I spend so much time worrying about things and about details I may or may not be able to control instead of just being along for the ride and trusting and letting Jesus turn my fear into a confident trust. So that is my prayer for myself. That my fear would be turned into a confident trust and that I would rest in the Love of Christ that is with me everywhere.