Healing

I got up this morning and realized that it has been a year and a half since that horrific night I found out that I wouldn't get to see John Noll's sweet smiling face again. The actual day was this past Thursday and I write this because I didn't even notice. Granted, I was busy that entire day but that day a year ago was traumatic and full of tears and frustration. And this time around it caught me completely off guard this morning. I miss him terribly. And I honestly have no more understanding than I did that first night.

But I am healing. Slowly and surely. By the Grace of God alone, I am healing and always will be. Thinking about just a short year ago or even 6 months ago I wasn't sure I would ever feel 'normal' again. That I would ever be able to make through a day without having a major emotional breakdown and feeling hopeless. But the days have passed and they have brought much life. I have experienced the love of Christ deeper and richer than ever. I have found friends where I wasn't looking. I am learning to daily trust Jesus to actually provide. Which is way, way harder than I ever thought. It should be very easy but I definitely struggle with this one.

John would have graduated high school this spring. I still think a lot about all of the things I will never see him do. But I also want to remember the things that I did get to see him do. Because those are the things that actually matter. The reality of it all is still sometimes just as shocking as in the beginning but as the days pass I find myself enjoying life once again. And for that, I am truly thankful. I will always walk hand in hand with sorrow and sadness but I think I will be able to do so with a joy that I didn't have before and an understanding beyond words. The Lord is good. ALL the time.