Climbing

Yesterday at church the sermon was on Jonah. It was about how Jonah physically tried to run away from God (with no such luck) and how a lot of times we run away from God in our hearts. We still go through the motions, sing the songs, and read the scripture but our hearts no longer feel free or passionate. But once we are Christ's, we are his forever. There is nowhere that we can go or anything that we can do that will keep us away from Christ indefinitely. How I so needed to hear that. His pursuit is relentless and He will always catch us.

These past few months have been interesting in relation to my faith. At times I have been so angry with God I didn't know what to do. But then there were times that he deliberately showed me His face through other people and I know that he was real and he and is here with me, holding me in his arms. I have tried desperately to grab a hold of him but my heart sometimes is not in it. I could feel my heart running. It was like I am two people. One side of me wants to stay and be held, the other part wants to run, to run far away. I know the truth, but am having a hard time letting down my walls of defense to let it truly sink in. There are days when I feel like I resurface from all of the pain and confusion but then something happens and I feel like I am right back where I started, confused, tired, lonely, and sad.

The journey is far from over. My heart is wounded in more ways than one. But He has not left me. He is patiently waiting for me. There is nowhere I can run that he will not go. And that is why I have to keep fighting.