Back To Square One...

This weekend I most willingly accepted the offer to get snowed in at Matt and Leslie Sloan's house. Best decision ever. In about one hour we had at least 4 inches on the ground and only a few short hours later at least 7 had fallen. Even as I write this the snow is still coming down. Of course, I am really prepared and have no camera but I guess I'll just steal some of Leslie's amazing pictures that I'm sure will be taken tomorrow.

I also happen to take a late night walk through the neighborhood in the snow, alone. As you may know things have been a little (understatement) rough lately and I feel completely beaten down and stripped of any strength I thought I ever had. While walking tonight I did a lot of things. I cried (frozen tears of course), I yelled, I threw lots of snowballs at stop signs and I shuffled through snow that came up at least to mid calf. As I was walking down the street, there were two very clear paths I could take. Some idiot had tried to drive in the snow and had left some tire tracks where the snow was only about 4 or 5 inches deep. In the middle on the other hand the snow was pushing 10-12 inches. Well me being crazy as I am began to take the harder path of course. Trudging about 20 yards up the road, it was in that moment that it hit me, what the heck was I doing walking in middle when I could be walking in the much shallower snow where someone had gone before me? It was still a hard walk but obviously a little more comforting knowing I had tracks to follow.

And that is when I stopped and thought about my life recently. Through all of this I have been trying to bravely soldier on and push through without slowing down much to give myself time to decompress. I've been trying to drag myself through the deep pile of snow instead of giving myself fully to Christ and letting him lead me through the deep snow that still sucks but not as much with Him by my side. And it was at the end of this week when I think I finally got it. Who knows? maybe tomorrow I'll go back to trying to push on through but I sure hope not.

God has clearly told me he wants my full and undivided attention and I've been giving him only part of myself pretending that it is all.
It was this week when I found out I have/had a stress fracture, a good family friend was diagnosed with cancer, and a college friend's dad died after a routine surgery, that I finally stopped. And now I am snowed in, something that I am not going to take lightly. I am tired, no, I'm exhausted. I mean, I fell asleep standing up at a Donna Buffalo show at the Orange Peel in Asheville and it was loud. Really, who does that?? Everything in me is screaming to stop and now I have to listen.

I have nothing left. Tonight while trudging through the snow I took several minutes to just stop and listen. I have always loved crazy snow storms because literally all life stops. The silence and stillness in incredible and sometimes much welcome. I stood in the middle of Fanning Bridge Road (a major road) and looked up and down the street at the stillness. Everything was covered in a thick blanket of beautiful white glistening snow. It was at this point I felt God nudging me to let Him really cover me like that. To take everything in my life, not just the things I want him to have, to open my clenched fists and let him grab my hand. I'm really frustrated it has taken a whole lot of crap to get me to this point but I'm slowly actually learning from experience that life is just going to be full of crap. Doesn't mean I have to like that fact but I've got to learn to go through it with Christ knowing his Love will somehow carry me through every freaking day, even when I don't feel like it will. People die, people get sick, move, or just disappear from our lives. And it sucks. It sucks really bad. But I can't imagine going through these things alone with no one to be there to love you. God has definitely been using other people from the start to show me but a small portion of his love for me (which is far too large for me to comprehend) but I've been too blind to see it.

Unfortunately it has taken death, sickness, tiredness, sadness, and even a gigantic snow storm for God to actually have my attention. Think I'm a bit stubborn? Well, he has it and somehow I've got to start to let go of myself completely.

Now there's a scary thought...

In Case You Didn't Hear

So my good friend Leslie Sloan kindly informed me that today, Monday January 25, 2010 was deemed National Bubble Wrap Day. I kid you not. I found this out at 11:30pm and no less than 2 minutes later I was on the website (found http://www.fast-pack.com/bubblewrapappreciation.html ) checking out all of the crazy bubble wrap stuff I am convinced that at some point in most everybody's life they are obsessed with Bubble Wrap. Me, I will always be obsessed. And recently I had to have a bunch of breakable things sent to my new apartment here in Asheville so I had trashbags full of beautiful Bubble Wrap to play with. We took all of my breakable things to Parcel Express in Boerne (the most magical place ever, well, close). Like most places like them you just drop your junk, pay for it and they pack it up. They are very kind and caring with your belongings but let's just say I probably could have run over these items in my car and they would have been fine because they were snuggled into thousands of layers of Bubble Wrap.

So on this website, I found this video. I'm sure there was some sound editing that went into it but I was sucked into the craziness and watched the full 2 minutes of Bubble Wrap popping. I am convinced that if it is not already a therapy, it should be. And if you haven't downloaded the Bubble Wrap App for your iTouch or iPhone, DO IT! and if you not have either of these things do not worry, they have the same thing basically on their website.



You are Welcome

The Small Things

I realize my posts have been few and far between in the past few weeks. This is mostly because I have been all over the place. I went on a Caribbean cruise and then finally returned to Asheville to begin the much dread school. This last week was a whirlwind of activity that included many early mornings and much stress. I finally moved into my new apartment which is exciting and frightening all at the same time. I literally find myself living day by day and not only is that about all I can handle right now but it is so much easier. This semester is going to be hard but I know that there are many people who are willing to help me get through it and that is such a blessing to know. And there is one more thing that will help me brave the rough seas ahead.....

COMMUNITY!!!!!
that is right folks. Thursday night NBC TV is finally back and providing much needed laughs throughout the days. I recently had a friend share this mash up with me. I do hope you enjoy it even if you don't watch the show (which you should).




I cannot wait to purchase the first season and watch it until the DVDs is cracked from use and I have the best abs in the entirety of Asheville from laughing so hard.

Gathering

So this morning I was having some much needed time with my friend, Jesus, and I happened to randomly (haha) open to a poem by a man named Jim Branch. It basically made me cry, but good tears. I have read it before but as of late it holds new and deeper meaning in my life each day. The first part is referring to the passage in the Bible John 6: 1-14 where Jesus feeds five thousand with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. So here it is:

gathering by: Jim Branch

scattered pieces littering the hillside
scraps from what once fed multitudes
casualties of the train wreck of provision and need
or so it seems

a death; a loss; a heartbreak
a wound; a brokenness; a darkness
loneliness; despair; isolation
the scattered pieces of this life
littering the ground of my being
unwanted; unwelcome; uninvited
fit only to be mourned and thrown away
or so it seems

until touched by the hand of one
who brings beauty from ashes
who utters the words of life and hope
weaving the fragments of my brokenness
into the me that was planned from the beginning
"let nothing be wasted"
and suddenly that which seemed to have no value
becomes meaningful and beautiful in your care
these parts make a whole
they serve a divine purpose

"I will rescue the lame and gather together what has been
scattered"
and make it into a vital part of you;
the object of my great delight and affection

so sing and shout
brighten up and spin around
for I am gathering your pieces
and restoring you
into a fearful and wonderful creation
and nothing is wasted

Legitimately I feel like my life has been shattered and scattered all over the place but amidst all of this mess, I have seen many glimpses of hope and faithfulness and have also seen in my past how God has used the literal garbage in my life to bring glory to his name and to show me that he is still God, even when I feel like he isn't. The amount of love I and my family have received from people is incredible and continues to surprise and amaze me in new ways everyday.

This Christmas and holiday season was by far one of the hardest times for our family. We all wrote letters to John on Christmas morning talking about things that we missed or memories that we had of him. Even amidst the tears streaming down our faces and the snot bubbling out of our noses, we couldn't help but laugh. John was so unique and different, but I think for the thing that stood out the most was his big smile and laugh. It was loud and when he would really laugh his blue eyes would get all squinty and he would almost choke on the laughter. He loved to prank people as well. The other day my older brother, two younger sisters and I had went through his room and picked out things that we wanted to keep for ourselves. I opened up his desk drawer where he kept his random pens and pencils and picked up a shiny pen that looked like it might write well. When I clicked the top I received a massive jolt that shot up my entire arm. It was John's prized shock pen that I had bought with him on one of our many family vacations. We all just busted out laughing. Everyone except myself that is. I might have called him a bad word or two, but only out of pure love for the kid :)

People always say that life is certainly not like a movie. But if you think about it, it kind of is. During the course of one's life there are "actors" (different people who play different roles in your life) and lots and lots of editing and when you look back upon it there is drama and hard times and good times and they all come together to make something hopefully worth viewing over and over again. You can say I'm crazy but it makes sense in my head.

Well, my arms are cramping, my sisters are yelling, and the dogs are barking obnoxiously wanting to come in from the "frigid" south Texas winter air.

Please continue to keep my family and I in your prayers. The road ahead is long and as the monotony of life sets in after the holidays I can only feel the days getting longer and harder.
Thanks again for your support and love of my family and I. It is much needed.

"gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted"
-John 6: 12b

Much Needed Laughs

So these last few weeks have been pretty tough but through all of the really hard spots there have been some much needed fun and laughter. Like that time we went to Fun Depot and I felt like I was 10 years old again playing laser tag, many video games, and racing go-carts. Not that laser tag is only for 10 year olds, cause it most certainly is not!!

Anyways, that being said, I just wanted to post a video that I have probably watched 20 times in the past week. It is a Saturday Night Live skit from this past weekend about Doorbells. It was the very last skit of the night. I hardly ever watch the show until the end but I'm so so glad that I hung in until the bitter end of this episode. Hopefully it will make you laugh, or at least giggle. It made me laugh so loud and so hard that I was thrown into continuous fits of coughing over and over. If you are thinking how can doorbells possibly be funny, they are. So just watch it.

Enjoy this 3 or so minutes of pure entertainment. It is definitely worth every second. Make sure you not only listen to every word but you watch closely to her body movements. Absolutely fantastic. Worth starting everyday out with.



You are welcome

Shattered

It has obviously been awhile since I last posted. So much has happened in the last 2 weeks of my life that one blog post would never be able to do it justice. Life was cruising along when all of the sudden the brakes came on and I literally felt like I was thrown from a moving vehicle.
On Thursday November 19 I was at Chuck E. Cheese attending Lucy Sloan's 3 year old birthday party. It was a normal night. I was playing with small children and eating cupcakes and hanging out with friends. The night wound down and everyone left except the Sloan's and myself. Typical. It was upon walking out of the door of Chuck E. Cheese that my world was shattered. I received word that my younger brother John, had ended his own life. He was 16 a junior in high school, and absolutely in love with life and Jesus. The next weeks events all become blurred together as one could expect in a crappy situation like this. That night I stayed with the Sloan's and was surrounded by many friends trying to understand. I kept repeating over and over to myself that it wasn't real.

The next morning Leslie and I caught the first flight out of Asheville headed for Texas. To be quite honest I'm not sure if I would have made it home in one piece without her. The next few days involved lots of tears and absolute crappy events with lots of nights where I cried myself to sleep in Leslie's arms. The weight of the darkness was great.

I am still trying to grasp the situation. While home I hugged my family and cried alot, trying to understand some part of it all. I will never have most of my questions answered and that has been one of the hardest parts about the whole situation.

My entire family came into town. For a week we had people streaming through our house offering their condolences and bringing mountains of food. Everyday there was a stack of cards in the mail at least 6 inches thick from people all over the United States. The entirety of Boerne Champion High School came to a grinding halt on Friday. The immensity of the effect of my brother's death on the community and with people all across the US was astounding. At his memorial service there were almost 1600 people. We are talking about a 16 year old teenage boy not some old man who lived a long life and had lots of time to touch hundreds and thousands of people. But you can be sure that he was no ordinary teenage boy. Everybody loved John Noll. He didn't have a mean hair on his body. He was an avid outdoorsman, and the hardest worker I have ever known. He loved living his life for the One who created him. He loved to love people. There were no favorites with John.
This is why there will never truly answers to the questions of Why?

I am leaving so much out but I am still trying to figure out where to begin myself. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm in a puddle of tears.
But in the few days that I have had since returning to Asheville I have been convinced of a few things. One is that my brother was taken from me by powerful a powerful evil force.
The other is that even though that evil force was victorious here on earth, it has not power over John now. He is free.
One very important thing is that Satan saw my crazy awesome brother, John Noll, as a threat to his plan to smother this planet in darkness. So much of a threat that he felt as though he had to take John out of the picture by convincing to go and be with Jesus early. As crazy as that sentence sounds it is the only explanation I can even piece together right now. Even though he succeeded in removing John's physical body, no one will forget his big heart and crazy attitude for serving and loving people. I don't know about anyone else but I do not know many 16 year old boys quite like John Noll.

The journey has only begun and grieving his loss will take a very long time. Please be in prayer for me and my family as we try to navigate this new path. We are not alone and through all of this crap there is hope. Hope because I knew my brother and his heart and that one night, although horrible, was not the definition of John Noll. There is hope because I am surrounded by people who love me, care about me, and are pushing and shoving to lift me up toward Christ. There is Hope because I now nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.

Thank you to everyone who has been walking along side my family during this time. We can not get through this without you pointing the way to Christ for us. I am so thankful for the Sloan Family for taking me in and never leaving my side. I'm not quite sure what I would be doing right now if not for them.
I am blessed.

One thing I had to do while I was in Texas was pick a verse to go on the back of the memorial service bulletin. I had the hardest time even thinking straight to pick one meaningful but somehow in my desperation I stumbled upon this:

"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~Romans 8:36-39

I also want to leave you with a song. My sister, Mary, sent it out in an email tonight to several people and it pretty much spells out John Noll. It is called Requiem by M. Ward and it was written about a much older man, but at heart, John Noll was an old man, strong, sweet, and full of life.

I'm going to miss you little brother.

What Just Happened?

So here I am.

I literally have 3 weeks of classes left before the semester is over. I still feel like I'm waiting for it to start. No joke, I feel trapped in some sick and twisted time freeze. A lot has happened since my last post including my Spanish professor taking the rest of the semester off leaving us with Señor Justin. I will give him credit for trying but let's be honest, it is not the same. Love ya Justin! Because of this we missed a whole week of what is called "Fast Track" Spanish. This means I really missed two weeks or. And these two weeks of work still have to somehow be magically made up. I have also not has real Sociology class for two weeks. You might be asking yourself what I have been doing to keep me so busy. Well, we watched movies and listened to interesting Sociology lectures that will never be discussed again. I'm not complaining about the lack of real class but I am going to complain about having to still make up all the work. I just don't see how this can possibly be fair. But what really ever is fair?

Back to my real point.

I seriously feel like I spend all day doing everything and nothing at the same time. Days just seem to fly by. How can tomorrow be Friday? I just woke up hating Monday.

In my "free" time I watch way too much online TV for my own good. Shows that I follow include but are not limited to:
-Community (new NBC show about community college, please go watch it!!!)
-Parks and Recreation (NBC)
-The Office (classic)
-30 Rock
-Friday Night Lights (another awesome show)
-House
-Saturday Night Live
- and the occasional episode of Grey's Anatomy

i'm sure there are a few more that are slipping my mind. These TV shows keep me sane. People keep suggesting new shows to me but I'm having a hard enough time as it is. Community is definitely my new favorite. The cast is absolutely fantastic and includes Joel McHale and Chevy Chase. HILARIOUS!

the Community stars