Esperanza Rising

November. Still a dreaded month in my family. Actually, the beginning of several sad months in my family. What used to be the absolute happiest time of the year for me is now coupled with unbelievable amount of sadness. We are about to hit the 2 year mark of John being gone. And honestly, the 2 year feels way worse than the 1 year. Because it is real. Because I am actually processing. Because I am in a foreign country. Because I won't even go home for the holidays this year. Because a piece of my family is still missing.

Also, this year is probably the first time I am truly grieving John's death. That I am truly sitting in it, thinking about it in a healthy way. And the ironic thing is, I am far far away from anyone who could help me walk through it but yet somehow, it is better this way. Because it forces me to sit not only with my sadness but to sit holding the hand of Jesus only. It has been a gift to hear his voice very clearly. To truly trust his presence and what he has me here in Spain for. And in the midst of all of my sadness and homesickness, I am finding joy. Not happiness, but joy. I cannot do this feeling justice with words but I will say that I feel, for the first time since my brother died, like I am waking up. And who knew it would take leaving every comfortable thing and person behind to make it happen? Jesus did. He knew that I was strong enough to go, to be here in a foreign land. And so, I am here. And it took me a semester almost to get to this point of understanding and obviously it is not like I will reach an end and have complete understanding but I have a Hope (esperanza) and Trust (confianza) in someone is who is way bigger than I am. Thank goodness.

So this November I will cry a lot and laugh a lot because I will remember all of the crazy awesome things about John Noll and his 16 years on earth. Because I sill miss his laugh a whole lot, his sometimes obnoxious whistling and singing, his jorts,  his hatred for technology, his simplicity of life, his extreme love for all things outdoors, his kind spirit and his love for his family and heart for serving Christ.

 And also making movies of him and with him. I am glad that I have these kinds of things to remember about him. and yep, the movies are real grainy. It was the year 2008 and my camera stunk.

Boone, NC. my senior trip with the fam. John used to laugh so hard he couldn't talk.

part 1 of a movie for John's spanish class. I was 18. Too embarrassed to show part 2