One of Those Days

Yesterday I read a short story by a man who is studying abroad in Granada. His name is Mark and his life story is pretty crazy. I am unsure of his exact age but he went back to school to get a degree and decided that he should study abroad. His semester has turned into a year and he plans to stay for the summer. He gets a lot of strange looks from students at my school because he sticks out among a couple hundred 20 yr olds. But he is a pretty cool guy. He is a writer and up until yesterday I had not read anything by him. He wrote a story called "The Bridge" about losing his second wife to cancer and by the time I was done reading it, tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably. The premise of the story was he was with his granddaughter walking over a bridge and he looked down at the water and remembered his wife and then proceeded to tell their story. It 's a pretty crazy story with a lot of crazy things but the essence of it for me was this line about remembering people who were so dear to us and now they are gone:

"Moments happen in our lives that defy the laws of nature, when whole pieces of our past can slip into a backward moving stream and crash vividly into our awareness. In this entanglement of time, we are back to where it all began."  -mark stanley

This happens to me in regards to my brother John more than I care to admit. Almost everyday I see something and think "John would have loved that." or laugh about some story from the past with John in it. And the funny thing is, I used to do that when he was alive. The only difference is now, I can't tell him about it.

The other day when I was in Ronda, Kelli and I walked past a store that was selling giant highly decorated knives. I immediately thought of John and how he would have begged to go in the store and check out the weaponry. He had a little knife collection. One of the like 7 things he did have..
 And I smiled a bit and then realized that it had been a long time since I had really thought about him. And by a long time, I mean a few months. Here, there is hardly anything to remind me of him. No pictures, people, or places to be reminded of. There are only my thoughts and memories.
And it was in that moment that it really hit me how much I missed him and miss talking about him. I think people think i'm crazy here b/c i've been telling crazy stories about my brother all week. I just can't seem to help myself.

Like stories of all of the practical jokes John used to love. He was never very good at the surprise element of the jokes but non the less it was hilarious. He owned a hand buzzer, electric gum and a pen that shocked you when you tried to use it. I was remembering the other day how I was with him when he bought the pen. It actually looked and seemed like a normal pen. And we spent 3 days trying to get anyone and everyone to use it. That was in 2007 before I graduated high school. When I moved away I forgot about the pen and those moments we had together. And then that terribly rotten day when we were cleaning out his room after he died I opened his desk drawer and took out the 3 pencils and 2 pens he had (once again, the boy owned nothing). I really like writing utensils and so I decided to test the pens to see if they still wrote. And wouldn't you know it, I picked up the shock pen, clicked it, and thought my arm was going to fall off. I cursed so loudly and terribly. And then started laughing and crying at the same time b/c I couldn't believe John finally got me with that dumb 'ol pen.

I can still hear his laugh, see his smile, and listen to him arguing with my parents over the ways of the world. I sometimes here his off key singing of all my favorite songs (which i once hated..) and whistling which he used to do incessantly.
I'll never forget how he used to greet me at the door when I came home from college and carry my bags to my room. Whose 16yr old brother does that? mine did.
And how he always wanted to hang out with me and practice baseball and basketball with me.
He was such a life force in our family growing up that when we are all together, the silence is almost deafening sometimes.

The family I live with here in Spain lost a member of the house in June 2011. They lost a son and brother. And one time the whole family got back together in January 2012 and my host mom couldn't stop crying. My heart hurt so bad for them b/c I know what it is like to have an echoing missing presence, one you don't really feel until the pieces are all back together. except one.

And so I miss my brother. And I always will. And there will always be things that remind me of him. everyday. And somedays will will be sadder than others. And unfortunately, I will never quite understand why he is gone. But, above all,I am very thankful for is how many good, wonderful, and cherished memories my family and I shared with him. It is just a shame there won't be anymore...

You are still missed John Noll. and you always will be.