Healing

I got up this morning and realized that it has been a year and a half since that horrific night I found out that I wouldn't get to see John Noll's sweet smiling face again. The actual day was this past Thursday and I write this because I didn't even notice. Granted, I was busy that entire day but that day a year ago was traumatic and full of tears and frustration. And this time around it caught me completely off guard this morning. I miss him terribly. And I honestly have no more understanding than I did that first night.

But I am healing. Slowly and surely. By the Grace of God alone, I am healing and always will be. Thinking about just a short year ago or even 6 months ago I wasn't sure I would ever feel 'normal' again. That I would ever be able to make through a day without having a major emotional breakdown and feeling hopeless. But the days have passed and they have brought much life. I have experienced the love of Christ deeper and richer than ever. I have found friends where I wasn't looking. I am learning to daily trust Jesus to actually provide. Which is way, way harder than I ever thought. It should be very easy but I definitely struggle with this one.

John would have graduated high school this spring. I still think a lot about all of the things I will never see him do. But I also want to remember the things that I did get to see him do. Because those are the things that actually matter. The reality of it all is still sometimes just as shocking as in the beginning but as the days pass I find myself enjoying life once again. And for that, I am truly thankful. I will always walk hand in hand with sorrow and sadness but I think I will be able to do so with a joy that I didn't have before and an understanding beyond words. The Lord is good. ALL the time.

He Loves Me

I have been out of school for 3 days. Long enough to freak out about going to Spain for 10 months, get stressed out about finding a job, do some babysitting, and also have a little fun.

This weekend I am working at Windy Gap, the Young Life camp about 15 minutes from my apartment. Usually I work on the ropes course but this weekend I am working in their snack bar called The Sippin' Parlor or the "Sippie." I have done this on and off for about 3 years. But as of late it has been difficult to carve out a whole weekend to spend at Windy Gap. I am so thankful to be here this weekend. So very thankful.

I absolutely love coming up here. It is ridiculously gorgeous and the fact that it takes me under 15 minutes to be on camp property from where I live is a true gift. It is nestled up in the mountains outside of Asheville. This place is never ugly. Rain, shine, snow, leaves or no leaves, I have never been disappointed.

I talk about all of this beauty because tonight I was thinking about why people love places like this place and other Young Life camps. They seem to be held higher than many other equally beautiful places. One, the presence of Christ is felt richly in these places. Two, you cannot ignore that fact that Jesus is telling you he loves you. I was reading Psalm 19:1-4 tonight, a passage that I have read countless times. But tonight it took hold of my soul and really took me deeper into the truth. The truth that He loves me. I say it and people say it to me all of the time but I need to do a better job of acknowledging it. This passage reads:

"The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the works of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the end of the earth."

A contant whisper of "I love you" is found all around me. I need to take the time to notice it more. To see it in the big and small places. I find proof of his love in every minute of my life. He loves me loudly. So loudly that as of late, it has been almost impossible to miss it. But sometimes I choose not to see it. But even then he still lets me know.

My good friends the Sloans have this children's Bible that is seriously THE best children's Bible I have ever seen. It is so good, in fact, that sometimes I want to get a copy for myself. I have to pleasure of reading it to their two children before bedtime when I babysit. Throughout this Bible Jesus' love is described as "Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always, and Forever." I am not even kidding when I say I tear up every time I read it to them.

That being said I want to feel that love every second of the day and help others to feel it as well.

 Because His love IS real and is

Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever...

Glass Shines Brighter When it's Broken

"The more I think about the meaning of living and what acting in the name of Jesus, the more I realize that what I have to offer others is not my intelligence, skill, power, influence, or connections, but my own human brokenness through which the love of God can manifest itself. The celebrant in Leonard Berstein's Mass says: "Glass shines brighter when it's broken....I never noticed that." This to me is what ministry and mission are all about. Ministry is entering with out human brokenness into communion with others and speaking a word of hope. This hope is not based on any power to solve the problems of those with whom we live, but on the love of God, which becomes visible when we let go of our fears of being out of control and enter into His presence in shared confession of weakness."

-Gracias! By Henri J.M. Nouwen

Winnie

It has definitely been awhile since I last posted and I have several posts floating around in my head that I will happen between now and next friday when I leave for Young Life's Frontier Ranch in Buena Vista, Colorado. So excited...

Unfortunately, I found out late last Sunday night that my dog, Winnie, died. She was 12 years old and deteriorating fast and my dad says she died peacefully. We all knew she was on the downward swing but we just kept hoping she would hang in there a little while longer.

I can still remember the day we got her. We were all at my Uncle Mark and Aunt Cindy's house outside of Comfort, TX. We were having a typical family gathering. Can't remember why but we ended up going to a bedroom closet to "look at something." When the door opened

there was Winnie, a tiny black Scottish terrier puppy with a gigantic red ribbon tied around her neck looking so cute and scared. We all freaked out with excitement of course. My siblings and I thought there would be no way we were getting a dog. But we got her.

That was January of 1998. In the 12 years as part of our family Winnie did more things and traveled to more places than most dog that I know. Our family owned a travel trailer and we used to spend the summers hauling it around the country, Winnie in tow. Those trips were

so fun. We used to argue about where she would sit in the car and who would get to cuddle with her in their sleeping back on frigid summer Colorado nights. She loved traveling and being outdoors. She even climbed with us to the top of the Continental Divide one summer in Colorado. I was 12:

She was also super feisty and very protective. There were not many people outside of our family that she really liked. Although she never really hurt people too bad, her bark scared scared so many people. I do remember one time when we were on our way to go skiing at Crested Butte, CO and she bit a chunk out of my brother, Ryan's lip. He had squeezed her a little too tight and she turned around and popped him good. We all laughed at him but Ryan wouldn't go near her for awhile.

Her favorite game to play was to pretend like she was going to rip your feet to shreds. Fun sounding I know. But seriously, if you walked up to her and shuffled your feet in her face she would start snarling and fake biting your feet. I played that game with her so many times and never once did she try to actually bite me. It was to coolest game to play with her and other people always thought we were crazy.

We always kept her hair very short unlike most Scottish Terriers because she would get too dirty. And by short I mean real short, she looked like this a lot:

I don't have any pics of it but she went through a "fat phase." My grandpa, Pappy, used to call her a hog all the time. It was super funny to listen to my mom get mad at him for it.

One house we lived at about 8 miles out of town didn't have any fenced in area so we always had to watch her when she went outside. Well, occasionally we would forget about her and she would run off. Usually not very far but one time she was gone for a whole day before she somehow ended back up at our house.

This picture was taken 6 months ago when I was home in November or at Christmas. Don't remember exactly:

You might be wondering who the white dog is. Well, that is Izzy, our West Highland Terrier. We got her when I turned 16. Nope, not a birthday present, just happened to be the weekend of my birthday. She is super fun and very hyper. Winnie absolutely hated her when we got her because she was so full of energy and wanted to play all day long. But they warmed up to each other. This was a typical pose for these two. Anytime my mom was in the kitchen they would sit and stare at her trying to use their mind powers to make her drop food. My mother was the only one who was ever allowed to "officially" feed them special treats. But we used to sneak them food under table, especially John.

My dad says Izzy is really confused as to why Winnie is not around anymore. It is really hard to believe she is actually gone. I knew that she would be going soon, but I did not expect it to happen 1 week after I went to Texas.

She was an awesome dog and I'm real happy she was part of our family.

My dad buried her under a tree at our ranch outside of Boerne, TX under a gigantic tree that he says looks like it has outstretched arms.

So many stories with her.

I will miss hearing her paws scrambling across the wood floors to greet me when I come home

I will miss shoving her in the bottom of my sleeping bag.

I will miss giving her baths

I will miss picking up her poop on vacations

I will miss her horrible breath

I will miss her sleeping next to me on long car rides

I will miss sleeping with her on the couch

So here's a goodbye for now. Thanks for all the good times Winnie!