Esperanza Rising

November. Still a dreaded month in my family. Actually, the beginning of several sad months in my family. What used to be the absolute happiest time of the year for me is now coupled with unbelievable amount of sadness. We are about to hit the 2 year mark of John being gone. And honestly, the 2 year feels way worse than the 1 year. Because it is real. Because I am actually processing. Because I am in a foreign country. Because I won't even go home for the holidays this year. Because a piece of my family is still missing.

Also, this year is probably the first time I am truly grieving John's death. That I am truly sitting in it, thinking about it in a healthy way. And the ironic thing is, I am far far away from anyone who could help me walk through it but yet somehow, it is better this way. Because it forces me to sit not only with my sadness but to sit holding the hand of Jesus only. It has been a gift to hear his voice very clearly. To truly trust his presence and what he has me here in Spain for. And in the midst of all of my sadness and homesickness, I am finding joy. Not happiness, but joy. I cannot do this feeling justice with words but I will say that I feel, for the first time since my brother died, like I am waking up. And who knew it would take leaving every comfortable thing and person behind to make it happen? Jesus did. He knew that I was strong enough to go, to be here in a foreign land. And so, I am here. And it took me a semester almost to get to this point of understanding and obviously it is not like I will reach an end and have complete understanding but I have a Hope (esperanza) and Trust (confianza) in someone is who is way bigger than I am. Thank goodness.

So this November I will cry a lot and laugh a lot because I will remember all of the crazy awesome things about John Noll and his 16 years on earth. Because I sill miss his laugh a whole lot, his sometimes obnoxious whistling and singing, his jorts,  his hatred for technology, his simplicity of life, his extreme love for all things outdoors, his kind spirit and his love for his family and heart for serving Christ.

 And also making movies of him and with him. I am glad that I have these kinds of things to remember about him. and yep, the movies are real grainy. It was the year 2008 and my camera stunk.

Boone, NC. my senior trip with the fam. John used to laugh so hard he couldn't talk.

part 1 of a movie for John's spanish class. I was 18. Too embarrassed to show part 2

All Things John

This blog post is basically dedicated to all things John Noll:

Dear John,

Remember when you were little and you hated mash potatoes so much that you would literally throw them up on your plate while eating them?

Remember when you and I would play spies and spaceship all day during those long Texas summer months. And you would dress up with us girls and have tea parties and play library?

You had the most rosy red cheeks I've ever seen on a human being. Santa ain't got nothin' on you.

All those days we used to throw the baseball in the yard and even though it was supposed to be so you could practice I would inevitably make you be catcher while I practiced my pitching skills that I would never use.

Your smile. I don't think our family owns a single picture without you smiling or making some kind of goofy face. Oh, except that one at Mom and Dad's wedding when you were so ticked off at something. Even then, cutest face ever! And your laugh, there is no forgetting that one. I wish I had a sound track of it. You would laugh so hard sometimes no sounds would come out. You even laughed when Dad broke your nose while playing baseball with you. I can't help but laugh at that picture of you in the ER with your nose all taped up just smiling away...

As you grew older you wanted to do EVERYTHING I was doing. You even made me teach you how to dribble and shoot lay ups so you could try out for the 7th grade basketball team. They loved you so much they made you manager.

You hated pillows and even sleeping in your bed...who are you??

You loved practical jokes. Your pocket buzzer was always a big hit at Young Life camps and even after you were gone and we were cleaning out the 10 things you owned in your room you still got me with that stupid shocking pen you bought in Boone, NC.

I miss buying M rated video games for you. I will never forget when I turned 17 and you were so excited and I couldn't figure out why until you made me take you to Wal-Mart so you could buy the computer game versions of all the M rated video games you weren't allowed to buy.

I miss yelling at you because you were such a pyro. I'll never forget one day coming home from school and seeing a flaming coffee can on the driveway and you were bent over it with a can of hairspray. I asked you what you were doing and you said "I'm making a Goblet of Fire!!" I will always love Harry Potter because of that.

Your reading habits and how you have probably read as many books as the Library of Congress has on record. Seriously, I would like to see any kid break your Accelerated Reading points records. Seriously, I don't even think their point system went high enough.

I have a home video of you and Anne dancing to 'Crank That' by Soulja Boy Tell Em that I was secretly saving to show at your wedding. I think I might have to show that one at Thanksgiving. You had no rhythm but would dance anyway and I always loved that. What the heck! enjoy this video...Anne Noll is going to hate me :)

Harmonicas always make me think of you. The same with whistling. Remember when I used to get so mad at you for singing my favorite songs? Oh Lord, I was crazy. I hope that you didn't actually get a singing voice in heaven because I seriously miss your off key singing.

We both shared an extreme love for anything Colorado including that stupid Taylor Park t-shirt that we used to fight over all the time..every time I go there I will think about all of the adventures we had and fighting over the top bunk in the trailer and the day I got demoted to the front seat in the excursion so you and Ryan could have 'brother bonding time.' I sure did (do) have a hot head about me and you certainly used to know how to make me the most angry. No joke, I do not know anyone that could make me as angry as you did at times.

All those rainy afternoons that you and I played with your lego sets. My favorite was the Harry Potter set you got. No joke. Especially all those time we would combine the legos, Star Wars figures, and GI-joes together and set up crazy scenes. You were the only one who would do that with me.

As you were well into middle school you had one life goal, to be better than me at EVERYTHING including being taller than me. Well, I think you definitely achieved it. You were better at running than me, better at hunting, better at fishing, and better at showing you loved people than me. And I am glad for it.

I always enjoyed all of the notes you would write me for my birthday. But my favorite was the one you wrote me for graduation. I found it the other day and smiled because I realized how much you actually did look up to me. Makes me pretty darn proud.

All those times were at Young Life camp's together. Those were good times.I'll never forget being at Sharp Top and being 16 and an angry staff kid and you were 13 and basically on work crew in the pits washing dishes everyday. Don't think I need to tell you how dumb I felt that month.

And all of that World War II reenactment you did at the Nimitz Museum in Fredericksburg. Didn't even get paid but you did it anyways. I'll never forget that day you called me to ask me how to send an email so that you could send me a picture of yourself using the only operational flame thrower in the entire state of Texas. I know you weren't ever really in the military but I'll remember you on Veteran's Day anyways.

Even though you are gone, you will live on forever. The people who's lives you touched have too many awesome stories and crazy memories for that. I wanted to say that I truly feel blessed to be your sister and to have shared 16 years with you. Much love to you brother!