This guy

Last night I had a dream. Don't remember what it was about but this guy was there!

And he was my grandpa in the dream and it was awesome. I have absolutely no idea why the heck I would be dreaming about John Wayne. But this morning I woke up very puzzled. And then found this quote in one of my old journals. I went through a quote phase and I tried to find all the coolest quotes and write them down (ok I may still be in that phase). And I found this one I wrote down Junior year of high school

"Courage is being scared to death-and saddling up anyway"

-John Wayne

And thus concludes my strange post about John Wayne.

Romans 8:38

This morning I had plans to go to church. I really did. And then the rug was pulled out from under me. I have a picture on my desk of the day we climbed to the top of the Continental Divide as a family. The picture is of the five of us kids smiling in our 'rat clothes' (everyday shorts and t-shirts-go ahead and giggle) holding the family dog, Winnie, just thankful to not be climbing anymore. It is without a doubt my favorite picture of all of us. I see it every day but for some reason or another it just set me off. I started sobbing uncontrollably, like ya do, and weeping because I will never on this earth understand why my smiley little brother chose to end his own life. A question that I will undoubtably ask my self every day for as long as I am breathing on this earth.

Well this crying led me down the path of everything. The path of everything is what I call my ADD grief mode. When I just start thinking about things randomly one after the other. Sometimes they tie in together sometimes they don't. I have had to learn to keep myself in check while on the path of everything because sometimes it can be way to overwhelming. This morning the path of everything led me to think about how I am remembering John. How I am defining who he was and still is in my memory. And I became sad because I realized that I have been defining him so much by how he chose to end his life. And yes! that is a big deal. Most people who knew John on the surface level, that is how they will define him forever whether they realize it or not. To all of Boerne, TX we are the family whose son/brother killed himself and John is the amazing kid who tragically took his own life. Harsh sounding I know but it is true. But I think I am trying to begin reaching a point where this does not bother me because I don't want what I remember to only be about the final moments of his life. It will always be a part of what I remember and sometimes it will overtake the other good parts in my mind but I will fight to never let it be the bottom line definition of John Noll.

The real way I want to remember John is rest of the 16 years that I kew him. And I can't think about John without thinking about Jesus. I've never known somebody so young driven by their love for Christ quite like John and I don't think that I ever will. I thought about how John's love for Jesus manifested itself in his life. Most of my favorite examples involve Young Life camp. And one summer that sticks out like a sore thumb to me is the summer of 2006 at Sharp Top Cove in Jasper, GA. John was 13. I was 16. I was 16 and irrationally upset with my parents for making me go to Sharp Top with my mom (dumb hormones). John was 13 and a servant. John spent every single day of the 3 weeks we were there in the kitchen washing dishes. Not exploring, or doing things he wasn't supposed to do but elbow deep in the nasty dirty dishwater of 500+ people EVERY DAY. I, on the other hand, stayed near the house and did some babysitting and pretty much mostly things I wanted to do. I wasn't all that bad but I remember being so embarrassed that my 13 yr old brother was doing more work than I was. But it was what it was. And looking back on that summer (which kind of changed my life in many many ways) I will always appreciate how John was so selfless and always willing to help out. I can really only remember a handful of times when he didn't put himself first.

John was always giving me life advice that whether I wanted to admit it or not, was mostly truthful. He used to tell me about boys and about how I needed to stop being so uptight all the time (he was right). And I used to tell tell him to go away. He was the best button pusher I have ever known. I don't think I have ever gotten so mad at somebody as I used to get at John. But that is how it goes as siblings. I used to feel guilty but now I don't. John and I loved each other and showed it in different ways but we were also siblings and knew how to stir up trouble with each other.

Everyone including myself always used to talk about what an old soul John had. And I agree, he always did seem to be an old man in a young boy's body. He hardly ever seemed to really 'act his age.' He did have his moments but they seemed few and far between. But when he finally was in high school and got his license I remember my parents telling me stories about him and laughing because he was real teenage boy after all, full of mischief and shenanigans but all the while still loving Jesus and because of that, serving and loving others so well. I mean, I don't think there was a kid at Boerne Samuel V. Champion High School that has a bad thing to say about my brother.

My favorite mischievous story might be the time I came home as a senior in high school to a flaming coffee can in the driveway surrounded by gasoline and a hairspray bottle. I totally freaked for a lot of reasons, mainly we lived in the middle of town, and John just calmly told me he was making a goblet of fire like Harry Potter. I was so mad at him. He was such a pyro.

I also remember being a junior in high school and going to church with the family and everyone fighting over who had to sit by Mom and Dad (don't worry parents! we still loved you). But not John he would always take the seat next to them so the rest of us wouldn't have to. A small thing but all of the small things are starting to add up.

All of this to say I want to do a better job of letting Christ define John's life. Going to Boerne will always be hard. Always. But I hope that I can learn to treasure ALL of the moments I had with John. The good ones AND the hard ones. I will never understand why by his own choice he chose to leave us and I will always feel a deep sadness for the time I don't get to spend with him but someday I will get to hug his scrawny little neck again and punch him in the arm and tell him how much I missed him and how proud I am of him because

"I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38

I believe this truth with all of my being. Doesn't mean I am not sad or miss John or that I won't continue to be attacked by grief but I know that he loved Jesus and that no matter what he did Jesus still loves him and wants to remind me of the same thing. He wants me to rest in this confidence. To stop living for myself and trying to make myself better, because that will lead me no where, but to day by day moment by moment place Him first in my life trusting that he will take me and do with me what he wants. And not in a cheesy way but in a confident, hope filled way. The impossible became the possible in my life and I am still trying to wrap my mind around it but the thing that remains firm in my heart is the truth in Christ and that he can handle it all and more. There is so much more I could write about John but I'm sure it will come out in many more blog posts in the future. But for now, John, thanks for being awesome. So sad you are gone and will be always but thanks for being my awesome little brother.

John using the only operational flame thrower

in Texas after a WWII reenactment of which he took part in regularly in Fredericksburg, TX.

He was so proud of it that he called me and ask me how he could email it to me. I

had to walk him through how to send an email. He hated technology

and that is something I love about him.

SPRING BREAK!!!

So I had Spring break a little over 2 weeks ago. Crazy. Last year I stayed in Asheville and my sister, Mary, came to visit from Wheaton College outside of Chicago. I learned the hard way that it is not a good idea to stay in town for Spring Break. Mary and I had a wonderful time but there were lots of activities and things that I felt I had to be present. I could have said no but I didn't.

This year Mary and I decided to spring break again together. In the brainstorming process, Mary decided she wanted to do some camping and hiking in Great Smoky Mountain National Park. So I started figuring ways out to make this happen also knowing there was no way we would be able to camp for a full week in early March. So I enlisted the help of my friend Drew who is an experienced backpacker. And we planned a two day two night trip to be followed up by Mary and I heading to Nashville, TN for 3 days. My friend Brandon also accompanied us on the backpacking trip.

We left Monday morning and hit the trail by 1:30pm hiking 5 miles before setting up camp for the night. Well, I let the pictures tell the rest of the story..

cr-v beasted the snow.

just like Little House on the Prairie! haha

campsite #1

yep. this is normal :)

Day 2: 13 mile day. first 4 straight up.

i don't even know..

atop Hemphill Bald.

Music City!

All of their posters are hand printed. It is kind

of a trade mark place in Nashville.

One of my favorite places we ate.

you can probably smell the butter

wafting out of the computer screen

Parents were married here in the 80's. Sadly,

the original sanctuary burned down 5 yrs ago.

but the steeple is in the same place...

Centennial Park with our friend Daniel.

Self guided tour of Vanderbilt University. So cool

View of downtown Nashville at night from a walking bridge.

Overall the trip was great. There were a few speed bumps and hard times but it is a trip that produced many many stories (both wonderful and terrible). But I think that is what I am beginning to love about it. It was real. Frustrating at times but very rewarding in others. Being removed from it I am beginning to look at the pieces individually and discover the goodness in all of the moments. I discovered that my body can put up with mentally and physically a lot more than I thought it could. I am beginning to learn the art of true patience and being ok with being lost and that things never do really turn out the way you want them to and that is actually have the fun. If things actually always turned out the way I want them to I think I would actually be even more frustrated.

I believe that Spring Break 2011 will be fondly remembered for years to come.

"SPRING BREAAK!!!!!!!!"

(always yelled as loud as possible while waving

two sets of rock and roll fingers in the air and followed by a woohoo!)

Frozen Peas

Yes the title of this post is relavant to its content. kind of..

Tonight I had the pleasure of playing in the UNCA coed basketball championship game. I actually ended up on a team this year after a crazy string of events. The season was short but I had so much fun and definitely made me wish i still played regularly.
I am not the best player but I can still hit my shots and make some passes and hold my own. I have been playing basketball every since I could walk. My dad was pretty much a 5 ft. 5 super start in high school. I was never an all-star but I was constant, extremely competitive (still am) and I actually had a LOT of fun playing. The one thing about me playing basketball is that I tend to always walk away from a game with a multitude of bruises and scrapes. To me, that means it was a good game. If I didn't walk away with something hurting I knew I hadn't played hard enough. I think my knees are permanently purple from diving out of bounds and trying to scrape up a jump ball or four. My size has always worked against me so I have had to learn how to play smartly. One of the things about being short is that you are always at elbow height or being smashed into a pick if your team isn't watching out for you. Posting up isn't really an option. I swear to you that I lost a contact lens every game. I would have to pick it up off the deliciously clean court and put it in my mouth to 'wash it off' and pop it back into my eye so that play could continue. It is amazing that I don't have a disgusting eye disease.

I have always loved the after a game feeling of being exhausted and feeling a little beaten up. Tonight I got my money's worth in minor injuries. I walked away from the game with a bloody lip and knee, a bruised elbow, two slightly jammed fingers, court burned knees BUT with a championship t-shirt. Please hold your applause, this is big time stuff..

It has been so good to be back on the court again and almost makes me regret giving up basketball. But just almost. It has been so great to be able to play for fun. Hopefully I will continue to do so.

Oh, I forgot one small detail. I can get pretty fired up on the court. In high school I learned to channel it into playing harder. But sometimes an alternate me just kind of slips out and heated exchanges can happen. Especially when playing with guys. Tonight, my fiery side came exploding out after being intentionally elbowed by a guy on the other team after we were both going for a ball. In response I may or may not have just intentionally fouled him. To me, that is just lazy basketball on my part but sometimes you have to let them know that you refuse to let them walk all over you. In the end we made up and I apologized for everything and we walked away smiling.



heh heh heh. You thought I forgot the frozen peas. Nope! Right now, I am no attempting to ice my lip and elbow at the same time. Ice cube for the lip and frozen peas for the elbow. Peas are the best. It is a special scene really. My roommate asked me if I had been at a boxing match. Kind of feels like that but definitely worth every bit of icing.

So there is my random blog about intramural basketball and my weird injuries.
I am not fragile, I just play hard.

Oh, and you will be pleased to know that I received my first shirt with the outline of North Carolina on it. For our win, we received shirts that say Intramural Champion. Underneath the lettering is a small outline of NC with a star for Asheville. If my camera wasn't broken I would have posted a beautiful picture of me in my shirt. I will spare you this one time

I know, it was big time. I am proud (of the shirt)..

Troy and Abed

I have blogged about the NBC show called Community no less than 5 times I am sure of it. But here are some clips of my two favorite characters from the show, Troy and Abed. I would go as far as to say they are my favorite characters on TV right now. They always bring the laughs

I could go on and on...

And now I shall leave you with this:



"If you love brownies, you love life." Thank you Shirley. Couldn't have said it better myself

Granada!

Well. I have waited for some time to actually do this post.

Spain. This is where I will more than likely for the entirety of my next year in school. I turned in my application to study in Granada, Spain yesterday. Everyday I get a little more excited about the idea which will hopefully be a reality soon. I am a Spanish major at UNCA and have been talking about it for months trying to imagine what it will be like. I am hopefully going with a program called Granada Sur Experiences. It is a smaller program, which I like, and is in connection with the University of Granada.

As you can see from the above map with Granada circled in red it is a city in southern Spain close to the ocean but it is also at the foot of the Sierra Nevada mountains. I really don't have much reasoning for picking this particular place. I spent a fair amount of time talking to a few of my professors and friends who actually studied there. I also seem to just 'run into' a lot of PBS specials on Spain and in particular, Granada. So I have decided to go there. I hope to see lots of this:

and maybe some of these:



And then stare at this view for awhile:




I think I could also be ok with being less than 45 minutes from this:

All this to say is that I'm going to start reading all I can about this fair city of Granada. From what Wikipedia tells me it is a great town for university students (check), has a great night life (check) and is a wonderful city (check). Who knows, maybe I'll even meet a cute Spanish boy... (don't worry Mom and Dad, I make sure he checks out).

Also, it will be great opportunity for me to take a few side trips. That being said, I am starting a list of all the connections I could possibly have in Europe while over there. So, if you know of anyone that wouldn't mind a surprise visit (planned of course) from an American college kid trying to see Europe, by all means let me know!!

Stay tuned for what will be more fabulous posts on this new adventure I may be having in the life of mine!

Life is Like a Roll of Toilet Paper

I am a Spanish major. Every time I say this out loud the responses vary widely. I have received "Oh. that is neat." to "What the hell are you going to do with that?" I say this because I have chosen not to pair Spanish with a minor. Probably not the smartest decision but I will figure that out later. I feel like if I know a foreign language I'll be ok somewhere. That being said it has given me lots of room to take some interesting classes at UNCA. Last semester was Portuguese and Political Science. This semester is peppered with Meteorology and Media Ethics. Yep. Kind of weird. This post is dedicated to my Meteorology class.

I have actually always been interested in weather. It fascinates me how much it can control our lives and how it is THE constant variable in any conversation between people. Always. So I thought I would try it out. Only two weeks in and it has been a very special treat. My professor has already become my favorite I have had in my time at UNCA. He is a small Asian man with a very thick Asian accent. This proves difficult at times in class but he is very good at writing words on the board so we know what he is talking about. He also gets off on random tangents in class about life and life lessons. Today it was toilet paper.

He had brought in a plunger to talk to us about air pressure and vacuums. This also means he brought in a roll of toilet paper just for fun. After completing the demonstation he gave the class a five minute speech comparing our lives to toilet paper. Even within that speech he spent 30 seconds talking about how ugly new borns are. Back to the toilet paper. He held up the roll and said it was a metaphor for our life. Of course everyone giggled. He then talked about how the roll starts out big and becomes unwound. Slower feeling at first and then when you get down closer to the core it seems to go faster and faster. Then he broke a piece off and told us we were all fragile and our rolls can break at anytime. He then told us to go out and live a good life and ended by raising the roll high above his head and saying "cheers to you all." We then casually went back to talking about air pressure and jet streams.

Yeah. That basically sums this class up. I learn a whole lot about weather and whole lot about life. He is a very smart man and I enjoy his musings very much. I have yet to leave that class without a smile on my face.

And as funny as it is...

Life IS like a roll of toilet paper. Lot's of different kinds, sizes, patterns, textures, and opinions about how it should be unrolled. But in the end it is essentially toilet paper with one supposed to be Ultimate purpose (insert assertions here) and when it is used for other things like cleaning up spills it doesn't work out so much...so..

Cheers to toilet paper!

side note. I actually strongly dislike the Charmin commercials. They are what you would call a def awk sitch (definitely awkward situation for those who don't do abbreviations) but since these bears had no toilet paper I gave them a second chance.